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Very hard to write this, yet I feel it would be remiss to have my own website and not share with you – having promised to write and rant about everything from parenting to cupcakes!!
I find myself more and more in a compromising position. There is a weird thing that happens as your children enter teen years. You hear nothing but the negative – they are meant to be grumpy, moody, tricky, you name it. That’s not my issue. Yes, we have that sometimes, but then to be honest, at 45 I am quite capable myself of all that, too!
It’s more how to handle issues that arise where you are literally on a different page to other parents. This is the age, in my opinion, where boundaries matter. Where, as parents, you have to guide them as they start their adult life. Of course there is the inevitable party where someone slips in a bottle of vodka – and you just thank your lucky stars if you have a child who knows to not get involved – but then there’s a parent who hands out Red Bull to kids of 13 at a party? What happened to diet coke??
You can’t tell anyone, because here’s the dilemma: you don’t want to put your child in a compromised position with her friends. As a parent, you are thrilled they confide in you and that, as a result, you can help them with any issue they are not sure of. The school take this time to show drug/alcohol videos that you see have huge (thank god) impact. But the fact remains that with the world we live in now, we are suddenly surrounded by potential dangers that just didn’t even occur (to me) at the Snow White or cowboy parties of past.
When it comes to independence, again, I am baffled. Parents seem to me to become very laid back suddenly. Kids allowed to walk out to the supermarket to get their own dinner in? Walking to restaurants or movies on their own? There’s a sort of laissez-faire attitude and a ‘they will be fine’, or the attitude that ‘at their age I was totally independent’. But we live in a totally different environment now. Not that one should be fearful in life, but certainly, in my opinion, more ‘aware’. It’s not so much the kids that need to be savvy – it’s us as adults.
I feel pressure as a parent. It’s the old school gate pressure – you don’t want to be the one mother that dares to do differently. It’s tough sticking up for your choice for your own child.
In my case, it’s not at all like my childhood – I could never say to my kids ‘I was doing this at your age’, because I just wasn’t. For example, I used to go off on my bicycle with no mobile phone (not invented, even though am not that old!!) and cycle off to meet my mates on the local golf course. There, we would hang out until dusk or dark and I would cycle home – in the dark. I asked my parents recently if they would let a child do that now. ‘No way’ was the response.
I didn’t really go anywhere on my own until I was about 14-15 and, even then, there was a huge ‘presence’ of parent somewhere – either in the house, nearby or picking up or dropping off. I also, and perhaps more importantly, don’t remember it ever being a problem and certainly all my school friends were in the same boat.
I don’t mean to sound like an old granny with the ‘in my day’ routine, but I know for a fact that things like being dropped off at a restaurant and being left there to eat with mates, or going to the cinema and being picked up, were a huge treat when we got to about 14/15 and something to really look forward to. Whereas now, it seems it’s more like daily occurance. They get to 13 and it’s ’here’s the front door key’, ‘no more babysitters required’ and ‘you know how to make yourself pasta!!’.
I don’t want my daughter to be put in awkward positions by some of her restrictions – have told her to feel free to moan about me to her friends, give me 100% blame, whatever it takes – but am sad that suddenly to walk solo is the coolest thing ever.
I know I asked you all before for your comments on the subject and I thank you, for you were all so helpful and, indeed, I took on board many of them – so am asking for your help or words of wisdom again!
I think parenting is about what you put in on the journey – time, listening and guidance being the keys to a good relationship as they get older. A lovely tweeter who had tweeted to me about what he was doing with his kids over the summer said just that. He said ‘I love doing stuff with them because what you put in, you get out’. I think it is so true.
Please, please, at this delicate age, put in the hours, don’t think ‘phew, they are almost grown up now’. They are still under your roof, still financially dependent, still just beginning a long and rocky journey through teendom, still needing watching over and still very much in need of a parent to be there for them.
Oh Emma… I read your blog and quite honestly, in the first instance it was with some trepidation until, thankfully, your third paragraph.
I was crossing my fingers & toes and hoping & praying that you were not writing as one of what appears to be… the majority. The ‘new’ parents who deem freedom & choice for their children as the main factors in parenting.
My daughter is 22 and has now left home. And although it matters not, I parented her single-handedly from when she was 9. And I truelly believe that unless you come out of the teenage years and not say it was very hard work then perhaps you were either very lucky or missing something!
Boundaries and routine are, I believe, what our children thrive on. There have been a few battles along the way about what would appear to be my ‘inflexibility’ but it was important to me that she also understood why, by explaining to her. I NEVER allowed her to go just ‘out’. She never had internet access without parental control. When she went to bed at night the rule was to leave her mobile phone downstairs – not so I could browse but so that she could sleep! No make up for school etc. I ensured that she had a packed itinerary – trampolining, swimming squad, air training corp, police cadets, camp, evening picnics at home – not only to keep her busy but also so that she interacted with both sexes of all ages, cultures, backgrounds in positive environments.
We are the very best of friends and we often talk about her childhood and she is very grateful for the life she has experienced and the security of knowing she had a parent who she loved and respected and who loves and respects her.
From the moment our children are born we teach them how to be independant but all through our lives we thrive on the security of those around us who care. We are blessed with their presence.
It’s some kind of comfort to hear you writing in this way. I’ve recently returned to the UK from Germany where I feel as if I’ve obviously been living in some kind of “bubble” with my 7 year old and 10 year old boys.
In the 12 weeks since arriving in the “homeland” we’ve had to deal with the “teenage neighbour from hell” and the gangs of youths he attracted, the issue of mobile phones at the school gates and indeed inside the school, girlfriends, walking to school (am I wrong to think that 10 is still too young to be walking alone?), playing within sight of the house, “normal” bedtimes when the entire neighbourhood seem to be playing in the street till 10 and indeed, 11pm at night…..
I really wonder, what I’ve brought the children home to. I wouldn’t say that I’m an over-protective mother. In fact, I’m one of the most reasonable human beings you could hope to meet. I do, however, take my role as a parent very , VERY seriously. I back up and endorse everything you said in your article Emma – it’s such a tricky balancing act. And I’m finding it so very difficult to be the parent in the minority. The one who is prepared to be different than the rest – because, no I don’t think it’s appropriate for a 10 year old child to walk to school on their own. No – I don’t think it’s OK for a 10 year old child to be out after 7:30pm in the evening. I look out of my window in the evening and sometimes see toddlers playing with no sign of an adult around – as a parent and a child care provider, it fills me with horror that people are so careless when it comes to the most precious things we have in this world. Our children.
I’m finding it very difficult to comprehend some of the very scary trends I’ve seen since my return to Scotland….
Karen
xx
You shouldn’t worry about comparing yourself with what/how other adults parent their children, because they maybe the ones that later wish they had of done things differently…
Your daughter may not thank me for this, but my motto is ” better to be safe than sorry “.
Good Luck to all parents, it is a tough job & nobody gets it all right all of the time. x
Why would anyone want their children to grow up too quick??? Emma im so with you here, sometime’s I think maybe I am too strict, but really I just love my children and alway’s put their saftey and wellbeing first. I have 3 children 6,12 and 15 and our guidline’s and restriction’s seem to be very different of those of my 15 year old’s friend’s parent’s! When my son was 13/14 he hated our rule’s and he would throw it in our face’s constantly that we were strict and that his friend’s parent’s were not like us etc, but we stuck to our gun’s and indeed this year I have noticed a huge difference in him, he actually respect’s us and he has matured heap’s, he often come’s to me with his problem’s and will ask for my advice on stuff. We have actually become very close which is great. (dont get me wrong he has his off day’s but as you say don’t we all).
I think we really do have to make the most of our children and enjoy every moment as their childhood doesn’t last forever.
Thank you all so much for these comment!! Hayley it’s so lovely to hear someone come out the other side and find that you feel you did the right thing and that you are great friends – that’s my aim too!! Karen – am totally with you 10 is way too young to walk to school alone, or anything much alone frankly – its not your child its other people around them – and I feel that if something were to happen they would be scared or scarred for life.
KRTshopaholic – yup – am with you – that age old saying ‘better to be safe than sorry’ is very true – none of us would ever forgive ourselves if something happened and we could have prevented it by being a little stronger about freedom issues and boundaries.
Jaime – love that you too feel why would we want our kids to grow up too quick? childhood zooms by – I look at other peoples babies and it seems like yesterday mine were tiny…and now my daughter is 2 inches taller than me!!!
I think you should quietly stalk your children until they are 45! and even then you only stop because you can’t maintain a thorough enough job with your poor eye-sight and the hindrance of your walking stick!!!
Loving you for that comment Sarah!!! (and secretly is what I would like to do…!)
Emma, you write beautifully about your feelings as a mother in an increasingly dangerous time for all of us let alone children. You are correct in saying that you would hate to have your child stand out in a group as it would only have a bad affect on her peer relationships. You handled that so well. I ave a grown child and I too had a terrible time putting my foot down but it did work. I gave her options such as riding, that made her a stand out in a good way. Any option can work painting, cooking etc. A lot is being written about self image for children and a new book out by Arnold Swarzenegger”s daughter seems to say it all for young women. Worth a look. Keep up the great writing and work.
good for you!x
Hi Emma, as we were tweeting tonight (greggiea) I thought I’d take a look at your profile and found your wonderful website. I saw that Lil is 13 and before I found this blog I tweeted you and asked if you were struggling as I am with “letting go” with my own 13 year old daughter Hollie. I am a single mum (not by choice) with three children, Hollie, Connor 10 and Ellie 6 and I take full responsibility for their upbringing although they do see their father regularly! Recently it became apparent that Hollie “was growing up” and I am struggling with this. Like you say in your “blog” and it must be our age, I’m 44, I wasn’t as confident and carefree as teenagers are today. I’ve lost my daughters company to her laptop and mobile phone. She makes decisions that otherwise she would have asked me about. I have let her go to the Cinema once, but I picked up and collected her and her friends. She has just got her 1st boyfriend, now , how do you cope with that one? Hollie and I are close and Im lucky Hollie is a very intelligent and sensible girl, I guess living in a small village has helped there. Small school, small numbers of pupils, no where to “hang|” out. I also here myself saying “If I ever spoke to my parents this way I would be in deep trouble!”
My main concern is the pressure and stigma of being a Single mum with serious health problems, coping with bringing up three children alone and this is not an easy task, but one I would not swop for anything. I’ve taking my children on holidays this year on my own and we had a great time although I was very nervous being in foreign countries alone with them! Children need boundaries and parental guidance and I believe in executed this till they are old enough to manage alone, although I’m certainly not a popular Mum sometimes! We were never born parents and there is no text book for us to follow, but as long as we support, nurture and stick by what we believe in I hope I will be able to look back when I am old and be very proud of my kids and myself.
Much Love to you Emma, and thanks for letting me share my own experience here.